


I Think You'll Find 'Normal' is a Construct

by Katflap (Batman_in_Lingerie)



Series: Devils [5]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU, Superman - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Dialogue Heavy, Dirty Talk, Hijinks & Shenanigans, M/M, Sexual Humor, Slight OOC, Swearing, Teasing, Unconventional Relationship, assholes in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:34:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24607807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Batman_in_Lingerie/pseuds/Katflap
Summary: Hal has to explain something to Barry, namely whatever the Hell is going on between Bruce and Clark.
Relationships: Barry Allen/Hal Jordan, Clark Kent/Bruce Wayne
Series: Devils [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1476668
Comments: 39
Kudos: 178





	I Think You'll Find 'Normal' is a Construct

**Author's Note:**

> This was the other fic for this verse i've been working on. It's just a bit of silly fun, so I hope you all enjoy. :D

“Bruce, I swear I’m going to kill you, then murder you, then throw manslaughter in there somehow.”

  
“You can try, you oversized build-a-bear.”

  
  
“What did you call me-”  
  


“Jesus, what did I miss this time?” Hal asked as he approached the table where Barry was already sat, eating his lunch. 

Barry bobbed his head in acknowledgement, but barely looked up at Hal, his attention firmly glued on the pair before him, who were now gesturing so wildly he was worried they were going to start an all out brawl.

The lunchroom of the League headquarters was usually a quiet place, somewhere to eat and chat before going back to whatever tasks required their attention. Today however, it was not, and the two men standing in the kitchenette had everything to do with it.

  
  
“Bruce ate one of Clark’s puddings.” Barry said, in between chews.

“Damn…” Hal muttered as he slid in beside Barry, setting his brown bag down and taking out its contents. “Rest in peace, Bruce.” He shook his head forlornly before quickly shrugging it off, and turning to Barry. “Anyway, I wanted to tell you, I managed to-”

  
  
But Barry paid no mind to Hal, who could have been confessing to murder for all he knew and instead continued to stare at the pair before him. Their explosive gesturing had stopped for the moment, as Bruce whirled from Clark to open the fridge. He had picked up the packet of puddings that had started it all and waved them in front of Clark’s face. “If you’d written your name on them, we wouldn’t be having this discussion!”

  
  
“Oh, of course! This is all _my_ fault. Not the rich boy who doesn't understand how property works!” Clark stepped in close to Bruce, his arms wide as he spoke. “‘It doesn't have a name on it? It must belong to me!’” His voice became deep and gravely as he mimicked Bruce- rather accurately- if Barry did say so himself. “What next Bruce? You gonna claim the floor? 'Ah, yes, this square of linoleum doesn’t have a name on it, it’s mine now. This counter? Mine. The _air?_ I claim it all!''”

  
  
"First of all, I don't sound like that." Bruce said through clenched teeth. “Second of all, I _paid_ for this space station, so it _is_ mine, ergo everything in it should it not be claimed- with the well established method of writing one's name on it- is actually mine!”

Clark looked ready to blow, his face red. “I’m going to go to the Manor and take everything that's not nailed down. If it ain't got a name on it, Bruce, it’s coming with me!”

Bruce however, only closed his eyes and let out a strained breath. “We _live_ together, you ingrate.”

  
“I don’t care, I'll-”

  
  
“Hey.” Hal prodded him in the side, pulling Barry's attention away. “Did you hear a word of that?"

  
  
“Yeah, yeah, I did. It was, uh, good. Yeah.” Barry said distractedly as he went back to looking at Clark, who somehow had managed to acquire a sharpie in the brief moments he had looked away, and was currently scrawling his name on random things in the kitchen as Bruce stood seething.  
  


“I asked you if you wanted to go to a BDSM nightclub to get fisted tonight.” Hal said flatly. 

  
Barry sputtered, and pieces of his half chewed sandwich landed on Hal. “Wait, _what_ ? No, I don't-”

  
  
“Yeah, I gathered you didn’t want to get fisted in a nightclub, Bar.” Hal rolled his eyes. “I was testing you and you failed.”

  
  
“I’m sorry, okay?” Barry said, reaching for a napkin and wiping the splatters of bread and lunchmeat off of Hal’s pants. “I was a little distracted by Clark and Bruce, if it wasn’t obvious.”

  
  
“Oh?” Hal said, as though he were no longer aware of what was happening in the same room as him. When they looked over now, Bruce was no longer passively watching Clark and was now actively trying to get in between him and whatever item was currently not already defaced. “Eh, you see it enough times you get used to it.” Hal said with a wave of the hand, going back to his food.

  
  
“That’s what I don't get.” Barry said leaning in close to Hal, his voice low. “They do this all the time, and-” But before Barry could finish, he flinched at the sound of broken crockery.

  
  
“Don't you _dare_ touch my coffee maker.” Bruce spat, ready with another coffee cup.

  
  
“But it doesn't have your _name_ on it.” Clark said mockingly, wiping the pieces of china from his hair.

“Like-” Barry shook his head, looking at Hal with wide eyes. “What the actual _hell_ , didn't they get engaged, like, a week ago?”

  
  
“Yeah, exactly.” Hal nodded. “They’ve probably had nothing but sappy romantic sex for like a week, and now they both want to get back to some good ole fashioned hate fucking.” Hal sighed at Barry’s fear stricken expression. “Barry, this is normal for Bruce and Clark, don't worry about it. I’m telling you, in like five minutes, Clark’s gonna throw Bruce over his shoulder and then when they leave, we can finally eat the rest of our lunch in peace.” 

Barry turned to him, his brows knit together. “How exactly do you have this insight into their relationship?”

  
  
Hal looked away.“It’s not just me. Everyone knows it. You’re just very oblivious to these kinds of things.”

“Am not.” Barry said, with a huff.

  
  
“Babe, I had you convinced for like a week that S&M was a _hot new_ band, and when I said I had tickets to see them live, you told everyone I was getting you into S&M.” Hal’s lips quivered with the effort of holding back a smile, but in the end he failed. “Oh, and let’s not forget when you ran up to Bruce and Clark and asked them if they wanted to _experience_ S&M with us that Saturday.” He hunched over laughing. “Fucking _priceless_.” 

Barry's cheeks went red. “You were really convincing!”

  
  
Hal shook his head, wiping his eyes. “I really wasn’t.” 

  
“Whatever.” Barry waved his hand. “The point is, this-” He gestured across the room. “Isn't normal.”

  
  
“Oh yeah, no, definitely. I totally agree with you.”

  
  
“But you just said-”

  
  
“I _said_ , for Bruce and Clark, this is normal. For normal people, this is-” He shuddered. “Yeah, no, it’s totally fucked up.”

  
  
Barry hunched over the table, bringing his hands to the sides of his face and rubbing his temples. “That’s why this is so confusing, I don't get it, they act like this one minute then they’re perfectly fine the next! It’s so-”

“Okay, let me see if I can explain it.” Hal cleared his throat. “We’ll do a little experiment.” Just then Barry heard something more expensive than crockery break, but didn't get to see what it was as Hal had grabbed his face, holding it between his hands and forcing their eyes to meet. “I love you.”

  
  
Barry bit his lips, and frowned. “I-” he tried to look away from Hal’s unwavering gaze, but couldn't, his eyes had nowhere to go but Hal’s determined expression and he let out a breath. “I love you, too.”

  
  
“I love you.” Hal repeated, leaning ever so slightly closer.

Barry frowned. “And I-"

  
  
“I love you.” He said again, this time an inch from Barry’s face.

  
  
Barry pulled free from Hal’s grip and tried to hide the redness currently engulfing his face. “I don't get it, what are you-”

  
  
“If you keep saying I love you, it sort of loses its meaning, right?”

  
  
Barry bristled. “No, it doesn’t.”

  
  
“Oh come on, you tell someone every day, every hour, I love you, after a while it’s like ‘okay, yeah, I get it, you _love_ me.’” Hal shook his head. “Now, if I were to say to you-” he grabbed Barry by the shoulders, forcing their faces together again, so close their noses touched. “-I would fly to the nearest sun and plunge into its core just to try and bring you a flicker of the fire you bring to my soul.’” He pulled back, cocking his head. “That would be me saying ‘I love you’, but like way better, right?”

Barry’s eyes blew wide, his body suddenly very warm. “I mean… Yes?”

  
  
“So, that’s what Bruce and Clark do.” He waved his hand to the pair. In the time they had been talking, Clark had taken to writing on the ceiling, with Bruce clinging onto him with as much resentment and determination as a particularly vengeful koala. “When they say that they want each other dead, that’s their way of saying they hate each other, but _better_ .”

  
  
Barry's brows knit together in confusion. “So they _do_ hate each other?”

  
  
“No dumbass, I told you, Bruce and Clark aren't normal. Clark would definitely plunge into a sun for Bruce, but he would also throw him into the nearest river if he were to eat one of his puddings.” Hal leant back, a small smile on his lips. “They love each other so much it bleeds into hate, and that hate is so fierce that it bleeds right back into love.”

  
  
“That sounds-”

  
  
“Absolutely horrifying?” Hal nodded. “Yeah.” He turned to Barry. “It is.”

“But also…”

  
“Kinda amazing?” Hal said. “Also yes.”

  
“Are we like that?” Barry asked quietly, leaning over and resting his head on Hal’s shoulder.

  
“Fuck no Bar, we’re normal.” Hal said huffing. “Oh, look, Bats is slipping."

Barry did look, and as he did, he saw Bruce's grip on Clark waver. His hands slipped as Clark moved across the ceiling, and he was soon on an inevitable collision course with the ground. Barry nearly sped over to prevent any broken bones from joining the 'used-to-be-cups' on the floor, but with practiced ease Bruce landed on his feet with barely a stumble. He took a deep breath before letting it out slowly, looking up at Clark. “Get down here so I can kill you.”

  
  
“Nuh uh.” Clark said, not even bothering to look at him as he wrote more things on the ceiling.

Bruce looked around the room, presumably for things to climb on to get back up to Clark, but when none were found in close proximity he instead pointed at him, his anger palpable. “I’m gonna shove Kryptonite so far up your ass you’ll be able to taste it. That is a promise.”

  
  
“And how are you gonna do that from all the way down there, huh?” Clark flew languidly from one patch of the ceiling to another, a lopsided grin on his face. "Did you learn to fly whilst I wasn't looking?"

Bruce crossed his arms, his eyes narrowing. “You’re gonna come back down here, that's how.”

  
  
Clark blew a raspberry. “Yeah, not likely.” He went back to writing.

  
  
Bruce’s eye twitched as he watched Clark continue to ignore him, then, with such ease and efficiency- so much so that Barry would have thought he had been possessed- Bruce began to undo the buttons of his shirt, the barest of moans escaping his lips. “Clark, I think, _oh_ -” Bruce let out a shaky breath. “I need you." He shuddered. "I need you in me.” 

  
Clark froze in the air, turning slowly around to stare at him. 

But Bruce didn't stop, he braced his hands on the counter and arched his back. “I need it Clark, I need to feel your-” he let out a gasp. "Oh God, you're so _big."_

Clark's face was beet red, his mouth falling open. "Do you really want to play like this?”

  
And all at once, Bruce’s act dropped. He smirked up at Clark, a wild look in his eyes. “I’m gonna play however I want. _Asshole_." 

  
Clark nodded, his lips pressed into a fine line. Slowly, he descended and when his feet hit the ground he stepped up to Bruce, his eyes narrowed. 

  
  
“Oh, would you look at that?" Bruce quirked his head. "It worked.”

  
  
“You’re damn right it worked.” Clark growled. Then so quickly, even Barry had difficulty seeing it, he grabbed Bruce by the hips and threw him unceremoniously over his shoulder. “My dicks gonna go so far up your ass, _you’ll_ be able to taste it, you little _shit_.” 

“With your tictac of a dick I’ll be lucky to actually _feel_ it.” Bruce ground out as Clark marched out of the room, making sure to bump Bruce against the doorway as he did.

  
Once there was silence, Barry let out a breath he didn’t even know he had been holding. He turned to Hal who’s brows were high. “Well, mark me down as scared and horny.” He said, bobbing his head as he looked at the doorway the pair had left through.

  
  
“Jesus…” Barry sighed. “I hope Clark doesn't actually kill him.”

  
  
Hal gave a half shrug. “I mean, it's a hell of a way to go. Death by dick. _Alien_ dick no less.” 

"Still, should we, I don't know-" Barry frowned. "Intervene?"

"Babe, if I didn't love you as much as I do, I'd say yes, because it would be hilarious to watch the fallout of _that_ shitstorm.” Hal brought his hand up and placed it on Barry’s shoulder. “But, as I do love you, i’m gonna go with no, because if you did go and 'intervene' with _that_ -" Hal waved his other hand in the general vicinity of the bedrooms. "They’d both kill _you_."

Barry nodded slowly as the idea of what he’d heard settled in his mind. He let out a sigh as he rested his head against Hal again, his face a wash with concern. "Thank fucking God we’re normal."

"I know, right?" Hal said as he took a bite of his sandwich. "So anyway, as I was saying, I managed to buy the sex swing on the way here, so we can set it up tonight if you still want to try it."

"Yeah, sounds cool." Barry said shyly, reaching for his drink.

**Author's Note:**

> There we have it! I can already hear what y'all are thinking... what did Bruce and Clark get up to in the bedroom after this??? <;) well, at the moment I don't have plans for writing that, you'll just have to imagine it for now :P 
> 
> Like I said this was just a little bit of fun, and allowed me to explore the idea of what others must think when they see the garbage boys being complete gremlins to one another. I may have to do more in that vein, but again, we shall have to see ;) 
> 
> Thank you all for reading! Let me know what you thought, and I'll see you all next time :D


End file.
